Ahead of Prince Philip’s official opening of this site on Monday, we here at IV are delighted to introduce you to our new editorial team. Gathered from all corners of the Internet, these titans of the digital age have made it their mission to bring YOU the very best in cut-price online entertainment. Whether it’s fraudulent airline deals you’re looking for, or whether it’s EXCLUSIVE celebrity tittle-tattle, these gods of the Information Super-Dual Carriageway guarantee the *ALL NEW* IV MegaBlog™ will be at least second – or possibly twelfth – with all the news that matters to YOU.
Bring on the dancing ponies …
Umbert T Bumspringer, QC
The country’s most notorious Eurosceptic is proud to be joining the UK’s Shittest Blog Supersite™ as the Editor-In-Chief of The Bloody EEC . When we caught up with him at a private screening of adult instructional film XXX Flapstrappers IV, Mr. Bumspringer told us:
“It’s about time somebody stood up to these bullies in Brussels. Only last week the bastards banned Tizer because the Frogs don’t understand what it’s for. Tizer’s been a British institution since 1985, and to stop us drinking it is the equivalent of pulling down the Queen’s knickers and writing ‘YOU BIG FAT BITCH’ on her buttocks in jizz. It’s a bloody scandal!”
Pumpstangel
Bastard, Chips & Beans’s Head of Gossip Pumpstangel knows a thing or two about celebrities, having been on the receiving end of (name removed for legal reasons)’s cock, (name removed for legal reasons)’s cock, (name removed for legal reasons)’s cock and (name removed for legal reasons)’s and (name removed for legal reasons)’s cocks while on a skiing holiday to (name of resort removed for legal reasons).
“Darling!” he gushed, when we tracked him down to an exclusive VIP fashion show in Weston-Super-Mare. “Oh my God! You look simply ghastly in that suit! How on earth are you going to attract the eye of (name removed for legal reasons), let alone get him to (name of sexual act removed for legal reasons) up your (name of body-part removed for decency reasons) looking as dizzzgusting as that?! You BITCH!”
Gurbert Faddadderer
ITTODBTBIA’s Editor Gurbert Faddadderer is delighted to see his unpopular, back-alley blog expanded to its new supersized format. Pelting our reporter with faeces from the upper-storey window of his Solihull corporation house, the toothless Mr. Faddadderer roared:
“Leave me alone! I’m not interested in any of this, d’ye hear? I’ve six weeks worth o’ shit clogging up the back toilet, and what’s the water board doing about it? Fuck all, that’s what! I’ve written letters, I’ve made phone calls; what the fuck else am I supposed to do? Get on me ‘ands and fucking knees and beg? It STINKS in ‘ere!”
“Get shitted!” he added, furiously hurling pillows into the street.
The Cockfinger
Mysterious American pornographer ‘The Cockfinger’ is keeping his cards close to his chest about the future of the internet’s most sexually-pumptious beanography site, Nigella In Beans.
“Let’s just say,” The Cockfinger chuckled, “that there are some big changes coming. I don’t want to give away too much, but I think it’s safe to reveal you’ll be clobbing your flebs and splinking jizz-parcels of dabber up the walls once The Cockfinger’s finished with you.”
Please tune in on Monday when HRH Prince Philip officially declares this blog open. Here’s to the future!
May 22, 2009 at 10:06 |
I’m actually scared.
May 22, 2009 at 10:11 |
Is it The Cockfinger you’re scared of, Dave? Admit it – it’s The Cockfinger.
May 22, 2009 at 10:21 |
It is. It’s like a 1980s Nazi fetishist with big fucking ears.
May 22, 2009 at 10:52 |
Pumpstangel? That’s Tori Spelling and I claim my five pounds.
May 22, 2009 at 12:29 |
Well I’m dismayed – that’s right madam, dismayed – to see that The Bloody EEC has been resurrected. I’ll be ready to combat any cheap lies and slanders about the EEC using all the courage associated with Continental Europe.
*takes white flag out of cupboard*
May 22, 2009 at 13:27 |
The Cockfinger is AMAZIN
May 22, 2009 at 15:59 |
I take it no one is commissioning lampooning caricatures at present?
May 22, 2009 at 16:06 |
I, for one, am excited about the new look BeePeePerrey outing. You bastards.
May 25, 2009 at 21:35 |
(sings) Cockfinger da dada dada, he’s the man, the man with the cock-finger .
Like Goldfinger, right?
Oh, fuck it!
May 26, 2009 at 11:15 |
Cockfinger Mouse!
I can do it too, Nick! And it feels good.
May 26, 2009 at 11:26 |
where are the wimmin? where?
May 26, 2009 at 11:34 |
Prince Philip is late. Has he been drinking?
May 26, 2009 at 11:41 |
Prince Philp thought today was yesterday, Thumps. His mind’s been addled by racism. He’s here now, opening the new site and complaining about the foreigners.