An oyster has broken the land speed record thanks to its chronic diarrhoea. The oyster, originally from under the sea near the holiday island of Majorca, is believed to have caught Winter Vomiting Virus shortly before its yearly migration to under the sea just outside Mablethorpe, Lincolnshire.
“As everyone knows, an oyster has no mouth,” Norris McGwirters off of the Guinness Book of Records told ITTODBTBIA. “As a consequence of this, the vomit wot builds up as a result of catching the virus was converted into shite. During its migration, the shite built up and burst out of its anus shortly after it arrived off the coast of England. It was that high-powered jet of diarrhoea that propelled it from the water and landed it in the record books.”
Eye witnesses claim to have seen the oyster travelling at 70,000,000 mph – twice the speed of a cheetah, the fastest thing on earth.
“It was very fast,” one man told reporters. “There was a jet of shit coming off of its arsehole as it shot past me and the wife. You could tell, even at that speed, that it wasn’t very well.”
Tags: diarrhoea, guinness book of records, land speed record, mablethorpe, oyster, shit, shitting, winter vomiting virus
October 30, 2009 at 16:24 |
*sigh* I wish I could have diarrhoea like that sometime
November 4, 2009 at 11:57 |
That’s a scallop surely
November 4, 2009 at 13:21 |
I bet yer could beat the oyster’s record by farting out of yer mouth, yer scatological nincompoop.
November 4, 2009 at 18:54 |
The picture’s been photoshoped if i’m any judge. The shit trail’s too neat.
November 5, 2009 at 20:59 |
As a scallop I object to being associated with oysters. That there in that there photo that you have is most definitely a scallop is that.
Oysters are totally different, work shy and come round here taking our beds and women. Fuck Oysters .
A. Scallop
The Sea Bed
November 6, 2009 at 16:09 |
Whatever Scallop. Your kind’s all the same, going ’round with them funny little shells on.
December 6, 2009 at 22:33 |
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