Sir Clempton F’ffington-Carbroiler, the Secretary of State For Shirkers, Scroungers and These Bloody Disableds, has announced a radical shake-up of the benefits system.
Under the new proposals, anyone claiming Jobseekers’ Allowance will have to kill a live Bengal Tiger with their bare hands.
“We plan to come to an arrangement with the Indian government,” Sir Clempton told ITTODBTBIA. “We want them to sell us all their tigers, and in return we’ll give ‘em some string or something. They’re a very simple people, what with ‘em being fuzzie-wuzzies from off of abroad, so string’ll probably impress their simple, foreign minds.”
Meanwhile, those claiming Incapacity Benefits will be horse-whipped, tarred and feathered and plunged into special vats full of something the government calls ‘punishment sauce’.
“It’s dog-dirts, rotten eggs and human shitwater, basically,” Sir Clempton explains. “We’ve had enough of these idle disableds sitting about in their wheelchairs with their weird moon faces, lack of legs and those annoying, spasticated noises they all make that damn-near put you off your dinner. If they insist on stealing money from the exchequer, they can jolly-well do it from inside a barrel of shit, eggs and shit.”
“The bastards,” he added, wolfing down caviar and laughing and laughing and laughing.
Tags: bastards, benefits changes, big balls, dog shit, free sex, government, hot sex, news, punsihment sauce, rotten eggs, sex, shit
January 23, 2012 at 16:52 |
And about bloody time too!
January 23, 2012 at 17:35 |
I always thought to ‘P’ in the ‘HP’ from off of the sauce stood for ‘punishment’. I’ve been having punishment sauce for years, all over my dinner.
the BASTARDS!